Well, I'm now in the land of blue skies and sun, having begun a 12 week sabbatical program for priests. There are about a dozen and a half of us, both diocesan and religious. We are a congenial bunch, though the newness of things has not yet worn off. At some point, we will run out of introductory conversations (where are you from, what have you done, why are you on sabbatical), and who knows what we will talk about after that. This is a "light" program that includes about 10 hours of classroom time a week, and plenty of time to pray, reflect, think, and explore the local area. Perhaps by the end of the 12 weeks I'll be tired of the slow pace of things, but right now I'm enjoying myself. After a few weeks of constant motion to get here, it is nice not to have to pack and unpack every day or so. My time driving here was unstructured, and it seemed by the end of it, that I was longing for more structure. So this right now seems to be the perfect place for me to be.
The hermitage retreats that broke up the trip were wonderful, and truly grace-filled. I slowed down and calmed down. My anger at how I've been treated has lifted, but I have come to the conclusion that I am the victim in an abusive relationship with my order. What to do about that realization I haven't a clue. I am thinking of this in just the same terms I would think about an abusive marital relationship of someone who came to me for counsel. What are the costs of staying? What are the costs of leaving? What is the likelihood of the situation changing if I stay? Can I deal with it if I stay? Should I deal with it? Can I deal with leaving?
These serious questions of my life are always present, but are not immediate. I am letting them rest for now. I do realize that if I had it to do over again, I would not become a friar and priest. That would be my choice, and given the changes in the Church and my order, and the 2005 ban on gay seminarians, it would also be the choice of the Church, or at least any part of the Church that is willing to enforce the ban. But neither I, nor the Church nor my religious order have it to do over again. So where do I go from here? I honestly don't know.
Short of winning the lottery (and you have to play to win and I seldom play), I don't know that I have any real alternative. I have not a penny to my name, and would leave without any savings or wherewithal, and be just a couple of years shy of normal retirement age. And I don't really want to leave. Not now. But I'm not sure I want to stay either.
When I daydream, the life that I conjure up for myself usually involves being in a low impact ministry of counseling, spiritual direction and perhaps writing. It involves a lot of solitude, reading and prayerful reflection, but enough activity to avoid becoming self-centered. It does not involve administration, dealing with scores of people on committees, or living in houses with other people. I met a "retired" priest recently, who lives alone, does as much help-out ministry as he wants, and generally keeps pretty busy at it. That is a life I could lead. But could I make it happen? How?
Monday, September 20, 2010
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5 comments:
Really glad to hear that you have some time to retreat from the problems and just get quiet. And maybe hear the small voice within. Seems like clarity is already coming; the abusive spouse metaphor seems apt from all you've written before.
I too am wondering what in the world to do for funds; like you being entirely past the point of wanting to answer to anybody, and unqualified for much of anything besides what I was doing. A difficult quandary.
I hope perhaps you might find a way to hook up with some non-profit outfit, perhaps, and be able to do as much counseling/spiritual direction as you want and get a paycheck too. Maybe you and one or two others of like mind and congenial company could work out a housing arrangment that would leave everyone free but secure, somehow.
No answers here buddy but sending good wishes that you find a happy resolution to all this. There comes a point in life where you just cant go on like you have been, and have to take a leap in the dark, ya know.
Closing quote, supposedly by FDR:
Do Something. If that works, do some more of it. If it doesn't work, try something else.
I hope that all is well with you and that you are getting some much needed rest, physically, mentally and spiritually. I think of how needed you are because the Church needs people like you. Young people need people like you. Don't be afraid of who you are. Thank you for sharing with us. Peace and blessings - Mark
Just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you -- as you discern next steps and for peace of mind.
Pace e Bene.
Thanks to all. God bless.
I just found you as I was sitting here trying to copy the James Baldwin quote from Dirty Laundry.
I, too, am struggling with your questions.
I am close to a retirement age. I want to continue with community centered ministry.
The differences are threefold: I am in Protestant ministry (well, I was), a woman and have been closed down and refused assignned ministry due to a stand on loving all our neighbors as Jesus so clearly patterned for us.
I cannot transfer my credentials. I earned them. However one wishes to jump ship, the credentials open doors. Of course, once through those doors, usually people have little use for denominationalism, but walking away from them is a complicated step.
I wonder how you are doing and what has transpired since this post.
Blessings,
glorierev@comcast.net
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