Blogging hiatus over.

My friends, I apologize for the long hiatus in posting. I tried several times to write about what was going on in my life, but never found the right tone and words. If I had posted prematurely, it would have been too passionate, too unreflective. It may have given facts, but would not have illuminated.

The short summary is this: I was fired from my job, to which I had given my all, and at which I thought I was doing well. And I was fired summarily, without even any explanation, at first. Now, to be fair, I must say that the powers-that-be protest that I wasn’t fired, because they did offer me another job which came with lots of responsibility and no little prestige and challenge. But that was the sugar coating on a bitter pill. I had no choice but to swallow the pill and leave the job that I thought was the best in the world despite its frustrations. But I rejected the sugar coating, which I thought - and still think - would have only led to disaster for me and for the parish they asked me to pastor. So I begged instead for a sabbatical, and my begging was successful.  I am terribly grateful that I have this opportunity. The irony is that I am grateful to the same powers-that-be who fired me. Such are the ironies of life.

As time has passed from the mid-July firing, to the mid-August leaving of the job, I was informed bit by bit of the reasoning for the decision. Parts of that I accept, parts I do not. I was depressed and angry, I fully admit. And now it seems that my moods were having an effect on the house that I did not recognize, and that no one talked to me about. However, I think that these were exaggerated. When I think of some of the nincompoops who over the years have been allowed to do incredible harm, I can't believe that I was fired for this, without warning. I believe that I was treated shabbily, in a way that no secular organization would likely do, if only for the fear of a lawsuit. I found that there had been a good deal of backbiting and lack of candor, perhaps outright dishonesty, directed at me. I discovered that one person who I thought had been a good friend basically sold me away, and I am still trying to cope with that. My reactions were strong and intense, perhaps too much so. Another good friend has spent hours and hours with me, in person and by phone, helping me to pick my way through the morass of facts and emotions. To him, I am eternally grateful.

It is not all anybody’s fault. Not the powers-that-be, not the game players, and not mine. However, I am growing in my awareness of just how myopic I had become, just how tense I was without even realizing it, and how this was affecting others negatively. I truly regret the latter. I had no idea. I do wish I had been given a chance to address the real issues and to correct my attitude and behavior before it came to this. But I was not given that chance.

Well, all that is past. I bear the wounds, but they are healing. 

As I write, I am sitting in a Rocky mountain hermitage, where I have been for six days. The sun has just set, and the shadows are deepening. The wildflowers - black eyed Susans mostly, are bouncing in the rustle of a gentle breeze. Pale greens grow darker, dark greens become nearly purple, white white clouds become gray in the darkening sky. The western horizon is now a peachy color, and in the east, the crest of the fourteen thousand foot mountains heads toward inky blue-black. Soon, the mountains will disappear. Soon, all that will exist are the occasional calls of the coyotes. Evening comes, morning will follow, the seventh day of my time here. There is something wonderfully heartening and restful about living this close to nature, when the sunrise and the sunset provide the drama of the day, when the sun and the stars mark the progress of time. How different this is from my ordinary life, where nature is an afterthought, and the drama and crises of the day are manufactured by others and by my own overheated mind. Here, breathing in and out means something, rhythmic and life giving, there, it was just the panting of a harried soul that missed the forest for the trees, and missed the trees for the tiny office, and who had little appreciation of the effect all this had on him, or that he had on others. So after the constriction, expansiveness.  After the pain, life is good.   Praise God.

     For the next several months, I will be traveling, and trying to sort out my thoughts and emotions. What will the future bring? I don't know. I just don't know.