I have read every word of the testimony summarized at http://prop8trialtracker.com/ from Perry v. Schwartzenegger. I am transfixed by it. The stories are powerful. This afternoon's witness, who talks about her own marriage in California is most impressive. The experts called by the plaintiffs are so very competent, and summarize research that didn't even exist as a field when I was in college. It is truly eye opening.
I find myself angry at the injustice of it all, and at those who have eyes but do not see and ears but do not hear. I find myself thinking that I was born too early, that the world is now so different from when I grew up as a baby boomer. Some of the testimony described that world, and the transitions of society, and the amount of prejudice that still exists. Reading the testimony has made me reflect on how my whole life has been shaped by being gay - and by the push and pull of social judgments related to that. It's not really a pretty picture in many ways. But I can't undo my experiences.
In reading today's testimony from Helen Zia, I realize that the absence of the social support and approval of marriage has marked my life. A long ago relationship dissolved largely because I simply was not strong enough to weather the ambiguities and opposition. I couldn't balance myself back then. I had the chance - the chance of a lifetime, I now realize. I had the chance but just couldn't deal with it. When my partner and I were in our own little world, with carefully selected friends, it was ok. It was even ok in the neighborhood, more or less, although nothing was spoken. At work things were more ambiguous, though they all new I had a "good friend." But my family....my family I could never approach. They had already once told me to go away, to go to hell, and I limped back into a world of emotionally stingy silence. The irony is that I could not bring myself to tell them to go away, to go to hell. There was no way to bring the parts of my life together. There was no way I could allow myself to be so socially disapproved. The center would not hold, did not hold. I was the center, and I collapsed.
I admit that I caved in a most artful and intellectual way. I thought myself out of love. And I thought myself into the priesthood, I see now. Please don't misunderstand. Priesthood is now my life, and it is a good life. It has let me do things that I never would otherwise have done, and it has been good to me. And the things it has let me do have been good for other people. But now, right now and maybe not even in the morning, I think the process of discernment started for all the wrong reasons. It is a great irony, of course, that in seeking social approval desperately in the most socially approved profession, I have not found that approval. Not from society, which now mostly pejoratively condemns priests, not from my fellow priests and friars and the church at large, which pejoratively condemn gays, and not from my gay brothers and sisters, who so often view church people with derision. Once upon a time, there was a detente of sorts between gays and the Church. But that began to degenerate in the 80s, and then by the 90s started to heat up to full scale conflict. Now, there is no common ground, and little respect between the sides.
When I decided to move toward profession of vows and ordination, I thought that I would never be tempted to play the "what if" game, since I was older, experienced, and resolved. Now I find I am asking "what if" a lot. I am in a heck of a pickle.
Friday, January 15, 2010
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9 comments:
So what can be done to bring back the detente between gays and the Church. When I was growing up and a young adult it seems like there was a better atomosphere. There was a certain tolerance and acceptance. Now it seems to me that the official Church is bending over backwards not to cross the haters. I find this upsetting. It is like gay people are becoming the outcasts of the Church. I am dismayed that the Bishop of Portland, Maine, would actually stir up hatred against gay people in order to collect money. One thing you said that really hit home was how society condemns priests, the Church condemns gays and gays view Catholics with derision. That leaves a lot of us in a pickle I am afraid.
I really can't offer any solution. When I read the comments on the internet's gay sites, they love to crucify the Church and priests. And you are right, that the hierarchy is picking fights and being needlessly confrontational. It is as if the spirit of Fox News and the culture wars have poisoned all of us.
For Catholics, I have to say that we need to learn humility and to "be still and know that I am God." For gays, we need to try to build bridges and alliances and coalitions. So many Catholics, especially the bishops, are fixated on rules rather than relationship with the Lord. So many gays childishly shout defiance at those who are potential allies. No one seeks common ground. No one seems to listen. Well, "no one" is hyperbole, but it is a serious problem.
Sebastian - my heart goes out to you, buddy. I do understand the "what ifs" and the contemplation of all that might have been different in our lives.
It may not be a particularly helpful thought, but it occurs to me that our generation is analogous to Moses - who led the Israelites to the brink of the Promised Land, but would not live to walk in it himself, could only glimpse a vision of it from a mountaintop.
And of course you remember MLK's use of the same metaphor, the day before he was assassinated I believe. Monday is the holiday in his name, so that reflection is fitting at this time, too.
It may well be that the generations to come after us will live in freedom and equality that we will never fully enjoy; but on the other hand, I suppose we can be thankful that we were born when we were, and not, say, in 1900 or 1850. Just think of being gay and marooned in the 19th century . . . how ghastly.
I have to say that when I survey the long history of the Big Lie that the Church has put out about us gays ever since Constantine made it the state religion 1700 years ago - I am livid with fury. I am sure you know as well as I do, and perhaps better, the history of all that, and the draconian antigay laws that followed, which in turn became the basis for antigay persecution all down through the ages of European history, and on into the New World and the European colonies, where the prejudice and hatred still linger and fester, and boil up from time to time in beatings, murders, and the general oppression and osctracism you described in your post.
All those gay men and women - all those centuries - the wasted lives, the utterly frustrated hopes and desires. It makes me want to throw up and shout, Ecrasez l'infame.
But I am glad I know you, buddy, because you remind me that gay priests are not such traitors as one might erroneously think; that they too are victims of all this hatred and social disapproval - and despite all that, in most cases have done good work along the way for their parishoners and others. And I do understand very well that by middle age, most of us are just stuck where we are, and have to make the best of it, for better or worse.
Whether you can ever change your circumstances or not, I hope your realizations and reflections at least lead you to peace of mind. Bless you my friend.
Russ, thanks for the supportive comments. I don't know if my reflection is leading me to peace of mind or making me crazy! I should probably reflect on that and then write on it.
Yeah. I find that blogging helps me get things off my chest, especially being so isolated out here on the prairie. And the process of putting my thoughts into words helps me see what it is I really do think and feel, and discover some new insights too.
And it's nice to get a little feedback too, from others who can relate to what we've been through. That helps.
word verif: noono
Very good comments here, Sebastian and Russ. Your comments got me thinking. It made me think of all the gay people in the past and all the contributions that they made. Think of all the gay monks that helped to keep learning alive during the Dark Ages. Think of all those gay men and women who were parts of religious orders. These men and women served their fellow man with love and devotion, sharing their goodness. They were always a part of our Church and still are. We owe them our thanks.
Yes, we must honor all those who have gone before. And when thinking about the many awful things in Christian history, it helps to remember that even when the abuses were at their worst, babies were baptized, the dead were buried, the sick were being helped, and those who grieved were comforted. The work of the Church is largely done in the trenches, not in the Vatican or the local diocesan center.
Sebastian,
I can relate well to the fact that my being gay shaped my life in ways that seemed necessary and inevitable. But it took away years and considerable energies that might have been spent much differently had there been acceptance from society and church.
I remember too how the church was seeming to mature with regards to its attitudes toward gays, with people like John McNeil, Brian McNought and many others entering the conversation. It gave one hope. Unfortunately those hopes were dashed due to the convergence of events and realities that rattled, not only individuals but institutions like the church: AIDS and Gay Lib, the societal backlash, the so-called culture wars, the legitimate demands of victims of abuse to be heard, etc. People are unabashedly exposing their own experiences, pointing to the elephant in the room or to the emperor with no clothes. I think as a result, we are in an age of shock: of seeing more clearly than ever, sometimes against our will, the ambiguities, the contradictions, the illogic and the injustices inherent in our beliefs and institutions. It is understandable that, as holders of beliefs and participants in institutions, we will experience the dissonance of our past and present personally - some of us more acutely than others.
In speaking our truth, it is easy to blame or criticize even those with whom we have much in common. I do try, though often fail, to convey my understanding of issues without dismissing the truth of others who have been touched by those same realities. There were forces in my upbringing that might have brought me to the priesthood, but the fact that I did not take that path does not make our experiences so very different.
While blogging has been a useful tool, it has been intense at times. I've taken a bit of a breather, but have not abandoned it. Thank you, and bless you.
FDeF, thanks for the well said comment. As for taking a rest from blogging, it is helpful to do that sometimes. God bless you.
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