Nearly 40 years ago, when I told my parents I am gay, my mother responded that she didn't care what I did as long as I changed my name and no one knew I was her son. My father was pretty silent, but chastised me for upsetting my mother, and attempted to argue with me as if this was a political position that I had taken, something that I could be argued out of.
It took the wisdom of a loving aunt and godmother, and a lot of time, before those wounds were papered over enough for me to feel any degree of comfort in their presence. For years, there was at best an awkward silence, a silence that descended whenever anything - a news story, a sit-com plot, the comment of someone else - came close to the dreaded topic. Indeed, the closet seemed to expand, not contract, with my coming out. Eventually, I just learned to play by their rules, by the rule of non-engagement, by the rule of silence.
I realize now that this was a sort of emotional blackmail. I was allowed back into the family circle as long as IT was not spoken of. If IT ever popped back out of the closet, I would be punished by silence, by her attributing all her ills and insomnia to knowing this awful truth, and once by her suicide threat based on my being gay.
Now, as I end my 50s, my mother approaches 90, she is not nearly so mentally sharp as she once was. I wonder if she has forgotten. She now peppers her conversation with talk about the country going to hell, about all those people who are doing wrongful things (gays, Mexicans, politicians, criminals, Obama, etc. etc.), and sends me endless right wing nonsense that people of her sort mass email to each other. She tells me proudly of giving money to people who promise to restore morality.
The wounds of so many years ago are resurfacing. In her twilight, I can barely speak to her. Homophobia kills families. Family values kill families.
5 comments:
I find it hard to believe you came out so early in a Catholic family. Not impossible but...wow. My parents are in their late 80's and seem to be of a like mind as your mother. Like soldiers who have seen too much, there are things best not spoken of. It's their generation and they won't change. In my simple theology, they're innocent. Things are moving so fast, it must be terrifying for them. My parents can't fathom any of these things. I believe God loves them and I do the same. My prayers and donations go to those in the culture and church wars who understand and aren't afraid to be compassionate. In this is my hope that future generations won't have to suffer like yourself.
Oh Sebastian. I'm so sorry. What a terrible wound you have carried, still carry.
When I came out to my mom thirty years ago, my father was already dead. But I was so blessed to have a mother who said, after only half a second's pause, "you're *my* son, and I love you no matter what." Having that love behind me as I stepped out into life as a gay man made all the difference.
But I have had friends whose parents were like yours. I know - I do know - what that toxicity does to the children. My heart goes out to you, pardner.
Well, others have had it much worse than I have had. Others have been assaulted, evicted, and left penniless. I was already living independently, and at age 21 had my own life and circle of friends and financial wherewithal.
But I find that the old wounds have only been papered over, not healed, and now they seem to be past healing. Worse, the demons of my life - nearly every demon in my life - seems to have reasserted itself.
Perhaps I will blog more on this in coming days.
Not every wound will or can be healed in this mortal life; we die unhealed. And hope that somewhere beyond, in the fullness of eternity, all shall be made well.
But it helps some to put the pain into words. Do keep sharing your story here, where you are safe.
Russ, that is why Catholics believe in purgatory: that all that is incomplete, that all that is unfullfilled, that all that is imperfect and less than it was meant to be, may be made full, complete, perfect and full, so that we will enter into the Divine Presence, and live it perfect joy, endless time Amen.
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